Tuesday, November 17, 2015

Short review of "Memoirs of an Imaginary friend"

I’m not really good a reviews but I just need to post something about this book. 

Just finished listening to this precious precious audiobook. The premise was interesting and the execution was superb. I won’t post any more details so as not to spoil anyone who will read this, but it’s about a special boy and his imaginary friend, narrated from the perspective of the imaginary friend. 

I listened to this because a good friend of mine recommended it. She was amazing and the book is perfect for someone like me. 

This book made me cry and smile and made me feel how lucky I was to have imaginary friends. Most of all, it made me feel that it was not wrong to have imaginary friends.

I too have imaginary friends, and I love every single one of them. I do not want them to ever fade away. Listening to this made me realize how wonderful they really are and how I love them so much. Although I don’t talk about them to real people they are still there. Without them, I won't be the person I am today.

I recommend this to everyone who had imaginary friends or to someone who is curious as to what having an imaginary friends feels like. 

I recommend this to everyone who needs a friend and to everyone who wants to feel the warmth and love of real friends, even if that friend is imaginary.

Saturday, October 3, 2015

I am trash

I am trash.
Of course I knew that before, but I had to be reminded of it every single night.
I don't even feel anything anymore when I'm reminded of it.
I just accept it as it is.
I even joke about it from time to time.

I am trash.
No fancy words. No tears to cry. No pain in my chest.
I just know. I am trash.

Sunday, September 27, 2015

Watching real people series and stuff

Warning: Fangirling. Don't read if you don't want to read me ramble.

So recently, I've finished watching Parks and Rec. The whole marathon was so worth it; all 7 seasons of seeing characters develop wonderfully, of watching a strong story unfolding and a closing with a good clean ending. The other sitcom that I'm still watching up until now is TBBT, and compared to that the subtle comedy (I say subtle because of the lack of laughs?idk) and unique characters are a breath of fresh air.

Currently, I'm still having withdrawal symptoms and I bet I'd watch everything again. It's short and it's fun. I could watch this until 6 in the morning... and you bet I already did that!

Anyway, my favorite character in that series must be Andy, played by Chris Pratt. He started off as this big annoying baby with two broken legs, but he's actually sweet... and really really dumb. Then I started seeing him like a big adorably puppy that just loves everything because everything is awesome. (YES! I did that!)

But good lord, did I fall in love with him when he was with April. Honestly, I envied their relationship and how they just love each other through thick and thin, in success and in weirdness. Making Pratt a regular in the series was already, for me, the best decision the people behind the series could ever make... but pairing Andy and April topped even that!

I don't even know how to begin in describing how I love their pairing. Even if they were just hugging at the background is enough to make my heart flutter... so how do I even start to explain what emotions it asks of me whenever I see them role-playing or making out. There is a mixture of pure envy and pure happiness. Of course, I'm still rooting for them. They're my OTP. And I love their reactions and interactions with each other that I could not even imagine the character could exist without the other.

On a side note, *sigh* I want to cling on to someone like Andy as well.

So now, I am obsessed with Chris Pratt. I even watched Jurassic World, Lego Movie, Guardians and Jurassic World ,again, this weekend. Yes. In that order. Contemplating on watching his older movies as well if I could only have the extra time... but for now this will do.

My preference has been distorted in a new way again, having to add this new obsession. Apparently, I am attracted to facial hair. I've seen Andy without facial hair in the series and he looked odd... he's far more attractive when he has facial hair. Oh god. I can't believe I just heard myself say that. D:

Moving forward, since I just finished this series, people continued to recommend more stuff to me. Sitcoms and series they believed I would like. It's not that I appreciate it all but... ugh... my list! Just when I thought that I cleared a chunk of it, considering that the last season just finished and most of the anime I'm watching are done; here we are again with a brand new list. This time with more real people series!

Honestly, I could only watch a handful of real people series. As much as I love them and their stories are cool, I just could not keep up with all that. And also, there's the factor that real people bore me. So for now I'll just continue to take note of their recommendations and sweep them all under the rug until I find time to pick up at least one episode of it.

But hey, I don't mind being this obsessed again just as long as he will suddenly turn out to become Star Lord by the end of the series XD

Monday, August 31, 2015


So I've been writing originals again and I finally get to upload the first chapter of Heartbeats! Yay.
It's a story based from a dream I had around 4 years ago. Back then the dream was fairly simple and straight to the point... like 3 pages or something...  but somehow I've developed the characters and the setting even more and that short dream turned into a long story.
I already have the whole thing floating in my head so I just have to write and refine it. It's nice to write about characters of my own, since I've been writing and thinking about fanfics for quite a while now.
So there... hopefully I improved from the last original story I posted on wattpad and hopefully I can stick to my "I upload every Thursday" rule. 


Sasha has a strong heart, a single heart that gives off a wonderful beating sound. However, her heart beats not for her but for the people she cares about.
    Her heart beats for the guy she likes; a guy who can stand being around her and will readily give a smile to her when she herself can not. 
    Her heart beats for the man she admires; the man she believes in with every inch of her existence. She would go to hell and back for him with just a single word.
    But most important of all, her heart beats for her brother. The brother she was born to care for. She will do anything to protect him and to make sure that he will be a stronger person. 
    The world may be a very dangerous place, but Sasha is determined to do everything just to keep those hearts beating… 
    ...even if means stealing other people’s heartbeats or even if it means giving up her own.
>Start reading

I walked home from Mega today... it feels like shit

We were there. I was there. I WAS FUCKING THERE!
I was in the middle of the crowd, surrounded by people who were blinded by their faith and hypnotized by the strong and soothing (at medyo mangiyak ngiyak pa) voices of their leaders. They clung to their every word. They stayed in the streets; sleeping on the road and letting even their children get wet and hungry.
It was very repulsing, even more disgusting than the stench of pee and odor of the people around me.
We just wanted to go home. We just wanted to go back to our dry and comfy home. But you assholes blocked the roads, pushed me around, shouted in my ear, littered the already dirty EDSA, and made my short walk home feel like shit.
The whole time I was just thinking of our goal. Onti na lang makakauwi na kami. I tried my best not to voice my opinion and to not physically attack anyone. I am quite proud of my patience. It was such a feat. Because I swear, I was so angry with all the stupidity and foolishness.
Respect? Bullshit!
Hindi niyo nga nirespeto yung mga tao na nakatira sa paligid at higit sa lahat minura niyo na rin lahat ng mga tao na gumagamit ng EDSA. Hindi ko gustong respetuhin ang mga bobong tulad niyo.
Hindi ako naniniwala sa mga paniniwala niyo pero kaya kong tumahimik tungkol doon at hayaan kayo na mabuhay sa panaginip na yan, pero ngayon nakakaagrabyado na kayo.
That's all you.
That's not god or whoever anymore. Being there was all your decision.
So I will not respect you because what you did was awful.
I hate you. You are wrong.
Wala kayong pakialam sa kapakanan namin mas lalong wala akong pakialam sa inyo.
Kahit may nakikita akong mga taong natutulog sa kalsada, mga taong mukhang pagod at gutom, at mga basa sa ulan. Hindi ako nakaramdam ng awa. Siguro naawa ako sa mga walang alam na bata dahil nakaladkad lang sila doon ng mga magulang nila. Pero nagagalit ako sa lahat ng mga may-isip na, kahit pa sa mga matatanda, dahil ginusto nila yan kaya mabuti at magdusa sila.
Gusto ko pa nga makaramdam pa sila ng mas malalang bagay hanggang sa matauhan sila at mapaisip na hindi naman tama ang ginagawa nila. Gusto ko silang mag-isip at hindi maging tanga-tangang sumusunod sa kung ano lang ang sabihin ng mga pinuno nila. Gusto ko lang talaga silang umuwi.
Kung ayaw niyo respetuhin at sundin ang mga batas na namamahala sa bansang ito e di lumayas kayo!
Hindi namin kayo kailangan at mas lalong hindi namin gusto kayong makasama.
Separate yourself completely from our country please. We would love it if you go away.
In the end, I made it back home safely. But up until now, I still want to skin alive and torture each and every single person there.
I wonder if Abalos would give me a permit for that if I can secure millions of votes for him. I bet he will.

Thursday, July 9, 2015

Slowly but surely 3 months had passed

The last few days were more than just distractions; I am actually having fun. 

Slowly but surely, I am enjoying myself. Slowly but surely, the dreams and nightmares about him decrease. Slowly but surely, I don't cry myself to sleep anymore.

I may never recover. I may never move on. But at least I'm more than functioning. I can feel again without having to cry because he isn't there to share these feelings with me. I can genuinely be happy without having to revert back to those painful emptiness again. I can express appropriate emotions to whatever anime I'm watching or stuff I'm reading without having to pull back to myself again and realize how lonely I am. 

I noticed how wild these emotions are now that I have no buffer. I easily snap now and about to explode. I'm still working on that. I will overcome that... slowly but surely. 

I am still unable to read that much manga because reading manga was 'his thing' for a long long time. It still leaves me with a bittersweet ache in my heart whenever I think that "he could be reading the same thing but I bet he's not thinking about how I would react to this" 

It's true that there are so many things around me that I associate with him. He was my life for nine years so that is only natural. But if I would be bitter or sad about I would have nothing left for me. I would learn to accept all these associations. I won't even think about him. 

slowly... surely... 

Saturday, June 20, 2015

I'm talking to myself

A photo posted by Edz (@erysd) on

I bought a new wig and wore it today. It is quite heavier than my other wigs but manageable. I got used to it after a while.

A photo posted by Edz (@erysd) on

I find it cute on me. I wish you could see me wearing that wig. I hope you find me cute in it as well. 

I didn't even manage to begin my Retoree cosplay. Sure, I have the eyes and hair already but our sewing machine was broken last Sunday. Didn't even got to make a single stitch. I was disheartened to do anything about it after that, because I really wanted to make my own skirt, make changes on the polo blouse and learn how to do the collar. It's not really about spending money, I guess I just wanted to "level up" my sewing skills even a little. :(

Anyway, even with that I still pulled off a Retoree cosplay the night before Toycon. lol.

A photo posted by Edz (@erysd) on

I also bought another wig... but it's not the right color for Retoree's tail :(. Ah well, I know I'll be able to use it on some other cosplay or some event in  the office. It's a Class A wig but thicker than the one I bought before and doesn't smell like Barbie.

A photo posted by Edz (@erysd) on

TOO BRIGHT! I must say. But yeah, I will have plans for this.

I saw two Jojo cosplayers at Toycon. One was Jotaro. No Dio though... sad. But they had a Jojo display among the other toy collections. Yay for Jojo!

Speaking of Jojo, I'll watch, in about an hour or so, the last episode of Stardust Crusaders. I really wanted to watch it with you. but I guess that will never be. So I'll just think that at least we're watching the same episode and maybe I would be able to watch it without crying. It's weird to feel that if I say goodbye to that season I'm saying goodbye to you again. It does not make any sense! XD And I shouldn't connect Jojo to you... I should stop connecting things to you no matter how easily they fall into place. I'll try not be sad about it and I'll try to burn all the bridges and connections until these things they don't hurt anymore.

So there... just wanted to pretend to be talking to you because I dread the day that you stop ignoring me and that I get to talk to you again. By then, I don't want to cry in front of you anymore and by then I certainly don't want to be in love with you anymore. 

Sunday, June 7, 2015

A hard habit to break

Thinking about him is second nature to me. I wake up in the morning with thoughts of him and I fall asleep talking and sharing stuff with him.

Hugging him, kissing him, holding his hand.. I do these things as naturally as breathing. It's automatic. I don't even have to think about it.

Nine years is a long time. The things I did with him, the things I do for him are embedded deep within my subconscious. It's a habit formed and strengthened through the years. I don't even have to think about being with him, it just comes to me. That may be the reason why I still dream about him every night. My self doesn't want to let him go.

It can easily be said that I'm in love with a memory... with a habit... since I haven't seen him in a while. But bullshit. I love that man and everything he does.. even the littlest of things. I even adore the way he puts his chopsticks away. I have never loved an existence like that. And looking around, I don't think I can love another.. but that is easy, I don't think anyone else can love me so there's no pressure. I am unlovable. So unless you are family, who has no choice but to love me, I cannot be loved.

He proved it, right? I do not deserve love. Even he, the man I trusted with my heart and soul, thinks that I shouldn't be loved and cared for. He showed me that I am not the kind of person someone can share their life with. I am not the kind of person that can be a reason to live for. I have no significance, I have no impact on his life, and I am not worth anything. I am nothing.

There is solace in knowing that he easily discarded me in his life. Threw me away like some garbage. He was so fine with it that it is foolish of me to even cry about this now. He doesn't even think of me anymore. I even doubt that a part of me stayed in his life. I am so forgettable that all those years can easily be shrugged off. I cry thinking about this but I know that's the truth, else why would he let go of me so easily?

So even if all these things come back to me there is no way that it could happen again. Not with him like that.

I still love him. But just because you love someone doesn't mean it can go back to what it was before. Of course it's harder when you are the only one between the two of you that cares for the other deeply. He realized that this is not going to work. I made a decision. But I miss him terribly so, and I want to express and throw at him all the love in my heart. But he doesn't want that so I should respect it. I should stay away and not try to run his life... give him space to do what he wants. Let him be happy even if I'm not part of that happiness.  

Though it destroys me I have to stand by my decision and break this habit. Life will go on for me and I have to endure and fight these feelings. My goal now in life is to not feel anything at all; to discard feelings as easily as he removed me from his side. I am a ball of emotions but I will try my very best to be nothing. Step by step, one day at a time... I'll do this until I finally kill myself.

Because living is a hard habit to break.

Wednesday, June 3, 2015

Dear past me

Dear past me...

Who are you?
How does it feel to be that happy?
Who are you?

I feel that I don't know you anymore.

Your smile doesn't look familiar. The thoughts you had don't ring a bell. Your actions feel so awkward.

You are me yet I am not you.

As the days pass, you are becoming more and more of a stranger to me.

I envy you. I hate you. I want to be you. 

Who are you?

I don't know who this happy me anymore. I don't know how to be that happy anymore.

Monday, June 1, 2015


I went with my sister to Animax Carnival PH day 1. I didn't really bought much since there were only a few booths but the essentials were there: wigs, lenses, jackets and shirts, cute stuff. I guess those are the only merch you will need for a basic con.

But what I really liked was the displays especially the cherry blossom

A photo posted by Edz (@erysd) on

But the beautiful displays still cannot deny the fact that I got bored. I was expecting "something" from this con and it didn't meet it. I like Fairy tail but I won't go to a con to watch a movie. I also didn't know Gonzo but I must say, he is very entertaining.

Personally though, I was happy to test out my camera. It has been a long time since I got excited taking pictures of cosplayers. \^o^/ So yay for Sammy's (camera's name) first event!

Overall, they could have done more for this event. I guess you wouldn't miss anything if you did not go to ACPH 2015. So, I honestly hope that they do this again next year and bring some guests that I could reaaaally get excited about.

Saturday, May 23, 2015

You are a dark-skinned fat ugly bitch and no one will ever love you

Have you ever experienced seeing everything you ever dream of crumble in front of you? All your plans, hopes and wishes that you were ever so careful to build suddenly go down and become rubble at your feet.

Have you ever felt how it is to let go and lose the single thing that can make you happy? That single person that could make you really happy… like happy from the very bottom of your soul… just gone.  And how ever you try to look for something that can make you smile the effects are not the same and just don’t stick.

Have you ever hurt so much that the only way to stop the pain is to not feel? When the pain drowns you, you have no choice but to seal it all away. Since you are human sometimes you feel something: happiness, sadness, anger, fear… whatever, but because you open the seal…even for a tiny bit… the pain will leak out and take over. Back to crying again. 

Have you ever looked down at yourself so much that you can’t even let yourself die? Waking up you say to yourself, “You are a dark-skinned fat ugly bitch and no one will ever love you” and this becomes your daily mantra… the reality slap that will keep you going. You think of improving yourself but you know it is futile and yet you try just to rub salt to the wound. You used to have low self-esteem but now you are nothing. Not even someone worth to kill. Living will be your hell and you shall suffer until you rot inside the darkness of your thoughts.

 I have ...

...and I sincerely hope no one else would ever feel the same way… because it sucks so bad.

Wednesday, February 4, 2015

When someone else's hero dies

Today the RWBY, Roosterteeth and Monty Oum fandom grieves. It was a very sad news indeed. Monty Oum died at 33, that was the first news I read yesterday morning.
Now, I can't say that I'm part of the fandom but I enjoyed Dead Fantasy once upon a time and I'm very amazed by how much of a workaholic he is. I seem to easily look up to workaholic people (Oda ehem). True, I may have seen only one video clip of RWBY ... and I think that was only a teaser video ... but that scene made such a big impact to me. Even to this day there are scenarios in my head that was like that scene. No one said that you can't be inspired by the art just because you are not part of that fandom.

I have no right to cry but I'm crying. I feel that the community lost an amazing man, someone who can do more if only given more time. Sayang. That is what I feel most of all. Sayang talaga, bakit ganun.

My heart goes to all the fans. I've seen a lot of fanarts, animations, and cosplays inspired by him. He had touched so many hearts and I just can't even begin to imagine how they are feeling. I have heroes too and I don't know what I'd do if they are taken like this from me.

He will be missed. I know he will. The inspiration hehad given to his fans will bear fruit someday. I hope to see those someday. Maybe heaven will be a more efficient place now that he is there.

so many tears because of deaths this year.. I hope we could all survive this year.

Tuesday, January 20, 2015

Nee~ sukidesu

Music and Lyrics by HoneyWorks

So this is this month's cover... of course it always begins like this. I get to record until February (luckily March or April) but it will slowly fade by the middle of the year when I already have a lot to do. *sigh*

Sadly, I can't upload the video to youtube due to copyright and stuff. I "tried" to make an original video that I can upload but I know that I won't be able to get around doing that so I guess this will do.

Monday, January 12, 2015

YAY 2015 : first post of the year

First post of the year! Hooray~

But let's look back at 2014 for a while here...

I turned 25 this year and even if I still cannot feel that feeling of being adult, there were many problems that I've encountered that proved to me that I've matured enough to go through it with a cool head and a calm appearance. I am still a blazing ball of emotions but somehow this year I managed to keep it inside the box. 

I might not be able to travel outside the country but this year was not devoid of any exciting activities. I went to Pagsanjan falls this year with my friends and went to Rizal's house with my family. Somehow I managed to finally find time to visit those tourist spots that I never really bothered to go to even though I've been so near them my whole college life. Hopefully someday I can actually visit Makiling. lol.

With the 2D shota Rizal
The funny thing about this though, was that I've written about a 2D shota Rizal before for an otome game I made with my friends. I didn't imagine to be meeting one someday... with all the 2D-ness. XD

The falls

We've seen a number of shows this year including Wicked, Chicago, Disney concert etc. I've also started to drag my sister to some of these events (mostly watching movies). It's nice fangirling with your sibling from time to time. Hopefully there will come a time when I don't have to pay for both of us so I can take her to the more expensive musicals. 

fangirling runs in the family

This year was also all about getting used to the new team. Somehow it became more than just "getting used" because I seemed to have enjoyed this company with little to no effort at all. True, the morning crowd was noisier and livelier than the night scene that I was used to work in for years but somehow I enjoyed it. I made new friends that I could had been friends with if I worked in the morning and I find the mid-shift team to be an interesting bunch.

During the company outing.
Because staying inside the room is more awesome with these people around

One of the many "payday dinners" I've enjoyed with Abi and Arvin this year

Regarding my other stuff, somehow I never really fulfilled my 2014 promise of one cover a month, so I'll just carry that over to this year's New Year's Resolution but changing that to one cover/project every 2 months. Ayan ah every 2 months na yan ah... UTANG NA LOOB gawin mo na yan. On a brighter side, James and I managed to finally do our cosplay collab and finished Kirishima's cosplay. And since I've bought a sewing machine this year, I made a few simple sewing projects, which included that tiger top I used when I sang Katy Perry's Roar during our company's outing.  

Sewing costumes and rocking that look at pictures

I've also tried to learn Japanese again this year, but still was not enough to actually take the JLPT. 2015? Not really sure if I should take that exam at all... but who knows. I must also add that buying that Kumyoung karaoke helped me a lot in reading faster. Karaoke really does help in reading (reading Hiragana that is)! 

I have a certificate~ yay

Overall, 2014 was really something else. There were a lot of good things, bad things, exciting things and terrible things.  There were times when I wanted to give up on everything and just dig a hole and hide inside it. There were also times that I wanted some moments to last forever. Somehow I pulled through and made it to another year. But I know it's because I was never alone during the whole ordeal. My family, James, my friends and office mates were always there helping me and making things more fun. Thanks 2014... 

now hoping that 2015 will be a more awesome one.