Sunday, June 7, 2015

A hard habit to break

Thinking about him is second nature to me. I wake up in the morning with thoughts of him and I fall asleep talking and sharing stuff with him.

Hugging him, kissing him, holding his hand.. I do these things as naturally as breathing. It's automatic. I don't even have to think about it.

Nine years is a long time. The things I did with him, the things I do for him are embedded deep within my subconscious. It's a habit formed and strengthened through the years. I don't even have to think about being with him, it just comes to me. That may be the reason why I still dream about him every night. My self doesn't want to let him go.

It can easily be said that I'm in love with a memory... with a habit... since I haven't seen him in a while. But bullshit. I love that man and everything he does.. even the littlest of things. I even adore the way he puts his chopsticks away. I have never loved an existence like that. And looking around, I don't think I can love another.. but that is easy, I don't think anyone else can love me so there's no pressure. I am unlovable. So unless you are family, who has no choice but to love me, I cannot be loved.

He proved it, right? I do not deserve love. Even he, the man I trusted with my heart and soul, thinks that I shouldn't be loved and cared for. He showed me that I am not the kind of person someone can share their life with. I am not the kind of person that can be a reason to live for. I have no significance, I have no impact on his life, and I am not worth anything. I am nothing.

There is solace in knowing that he easily discarded me in his life. Threw me away like some garbage. He was so fine with it that it is foolish of me to even cry about this now. He doesn't even think of me anymore. I even doubt that a part of me stayed in his life. I am so forgettable that all those years can easily be shrugged off. I cry thinking about this but I know that's the truth, else why would he let go of me so easily?

So even if all these things come back to me there is no way that it could happen again. Not with him like that.

I still love him. But just because you love someone doesn't mean it can go back to what it was before. Of course it's harder when you are the only one between the two of you that cares for the other deeply. He realized that this is not going to work. I made a decision. But I miss him terribly so, and I want to express and throw at him all the love in my heart. But he doesn't want that so I should respect it. I should stay away and not try to run his life... give him space to do what he wants. Let him be happy even if I'm not part of that happiness.  

Though it destroys me I have to stand by my decision and break this habit. Life will go on for me and I have to endure and fight these feelings. My goal now in life is to not feel anything at all; to discard feelings as easily as he removed me from his side. I am a ball of emotions but I will try my very best to be nothing. Step by step, one day at a time... I'll do this until I finally kill myself.

Because living is a hard habit to break.

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