Sunday, October 31, 2010

Going home alone

I am used to it so I don’t really care. There are times though that I enjoy going home more than when I am with someone. I can walk at my own pace. I can listen to music and ignore everything around me. I can even have a mental conversation with myself… although the last one was not recommended.

Since I am alone I can take my time in enjoying stuff like this. I am often distracted too but I just don't wander off when I'm with someone. I don't want the person I am with to feel burdened because of my habits.

But I would love to walk home with someone, I want to have someone to talk with. It’s not healthy to talk to myself so at least I want someone to talk to or share things with. It gets lonely especially when I'm walking or when something would remind me of my friends or when I see other people with friends or special someones.
Also, eating isn't the same when I don't have anyone to talk to or share the food with. It's not really lonely but somehow it's not fun. I sometimes think of fun or interesting stuff while eating... but since I'm alone I can't laugh about it. That really sucks.

But seriously, I don't care about it anymore... I laugh and have a conversation with myself. Just mentally, of course, since I don't want anyone to think I'm crazy. I like to think that I'm having a date with myself. The thought seemed to be working for me. I don't feel a little bit lonely.

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Some things...

Looking back…
Sometimes after accomplishing something a person will look back at the days of anxiety and endless nights of caffeine just to laugh at the experience. It feels good. However, in my case even if I’m in the middle of those days I already look forward to that certain day of recollection. “Someday, I’ll look back on this day and laugh about it.” That’s one of the ways on how I motivate myself. I always look forward to that tomorrow where everything should be ok.

Anyway, I finished it. The SP I worked on for many months… I’ve finished it. I never thought that it would be near perfect but it somehow exceeded my expectations. There were many wrong moves and mistakes in the past but I don’t like regretting them. I think of them as very important factors that brought me to where I am now.

I am looking back at those days and nights.
I am laughing. I do feel good.

Being in LB

I always like being in LB. That place gives me some sense of freedom. Ewan. Even though half of me feel embarrassed staying in other people’s houses, the other half can sleep soundly without even thinking about such embarrassment. I like being with friends and that’s for sure. They never let me feel loneliness. I am so grateful for having friends like those.

I like LB. But I know that Elbi now is not my home anymore. My time had passed. I know LB had always welcomed me but those welcoming smiles would decrease every year and someday there won’t be a familiar smile anymore. I’ll become just another stranger in a place I once called my home.

There are still left though but even with all that I still felt like it’s not my home anymore. I know exactly what or rather who is missing.

The main reason why I feel contented in LB just wasn’t there anymore. This made a lot of difference. This made the whole place unfamiliar to me.

Although I know it’s already too much to ask but I wanted him to be with me as well. If we could walk the same street, road or grass we used to walk on then maybe I could feel like I’m 2 or 4 years back in time again. Maybe I could also recall what it felt like to be home in LB again.