Pictures~

While I was walking I saw this tiny box... somehow I think there's something wrong about it... I just don't know if I'm green-minded or it is just normal.

Now this is hilarious... I saw this while buying a screwdriver...

What sign? I don't see no sign! Haha. Only in the Philippines. ^_^

while waiting...

It has been so long since I last updated. I was really busy these past month and even now I'm still busy.

----
People have different defense mechanism. Some regress, some don't want to remember and some pretend they are strong.

I am terrified of death... seriously I have clung to life and became addicted to it that much that now I am fearing death.

I believe in God but I also think rationally at the same.

Memories, emotions, senses and everything is perceived by the brain. We are who we are because our brain is working. Now imagine death... well your brain dying. Everything would be cut off. No memories, no emotions, no senses no nothing...

It's just a dark thing that would go on forever and you won't even feel forever. Time is something that the brain just made up in the first place. You can't sense anything... you can't even have a you in the first place.

The darkness, the nothingness, death in itself is scary.

Like I said I have became addicted to life that I fear death.

And because of that fear everytime that topic would be involved I act stupidly and childish.
"Health, long-life... life yuck."

I know... it's just a phase. I would finally treasure my life even more once I would have children of my own... however... how could I bear a child with the thought that somehow he or she would die too?

To live is to think that tomorrow you could just die.

It maybe just a phase and I would grow out of it but what they don't see that it is just a defense mechanism in the first place. I don't want to die that's why I am showing them that I don't want to live long.

I know it is weird but what could I do? I can't help myself.


It's scary. Being nothing. It is seriously freaking me out.

Tatak Andrade

Just another home video.

Point of no return

I really don't know why I only find out my mistakes only during the point of no return. I really hate it. I really want to be careful all the time and try to think before doing anything but in the end I end up regretting what I'd done. 

I really hate it. I hate myself everytime I do stupid things like that. 

But hating myself, regretting what I've done etc... really can't help me. 

So that's the cue for me to stop wallowing in self pity and start doing something to solve my problem. The problem is clear... I know the solution... now the part I hate the most -waiting time. 

>>>>>

I'm going back to LB... although it's not until Sunday but I'm starting to get excited. I want to sleep in my new room and start a new semester. I also have to fix my schedule and make sure to get 10 units, fix my INC status in 2 of my majors and of course fix my life before actually starting a new chapter in my life.


I just hope that I won't screw up. The thing I hate the mst about myself is that the simplest problems are only in front of my face waiting to bite me but I just don't see it...

so I screw up... and the problem became bigger because I'm in the point of no return.

For him... and only him...

I wanted to hate him. They say that I don't need a friend like that. He doesn't know me anymore and I don't know him. I now it was just a poor choice of words and he just overestimated me. I know he was just joking but I can't stop myself from hurting. Harsh words are still harsh and it could mean differently from one person to another.

Seriously I've already forgiven him from all the things he'd done to me... maybe because his little acts of kindness towards me are those acts of kindness that I truly missed. I could never forget everything he'd done to me up until now. If you could be less perverted then I could have already fallen in love with him... again. But I know him too well to even think about having those feelings for him. 7 years.

We drifted too far away from each other that when we met once more it was different. I was too selfish to even think that he would not change. Now I know him better and even though I had a hard time... I was happy.

He overestimated me because he doesn't know the person I am now. He overestimated me. Because I changed a lot from the way I was before... I was a big disappointment. I changed and I disappointed him because of it.

And yet even though he hated me that day... he still never left me. Right then and there I wanted to go back to the person I was four years ago to the person he almost loved. But I guess once you move forward there is no turning back.

I'm really really grateful for everything. I was selfish, irrational, stupid and childish ... and yet he never left me. I am really grateful and yet I still can't say "thank you". I wanted to thank him and yet I can't say it.

I'm totally inefficient... useless...

so don't you ever look at me like that again. Demmet! I'm worthless!

Another thought

>>>I don't know why I am so frustrated about it. I mean he is JUST my highschool classmate and I should accept the fact that his world and mine are two different things now. 

But there's always that something inside me that would tell me that accepting those things are wrong.

If he goes on like this then I would surely miss him. I don't know exactly what he is for me. Aside from being an old friend I know that there is something more. He is not my lover, and I am sure of that for I am now in love with someone else. But definitely he is more than a friend for me and a proof of that is I don't want him to get romantically involved with another girl. 
I know that I am being selfish but I can't help it. Everytime I think about the consequences of this petty fight I tend to cry. I don't want to lose him. I adore him for he is my friend. I hate it when I don't hear his voice over the telephone. I hate it whenever he tells me that he doesn't want me to come over to their house. I hate it whenever I feel that I am nothing more but a highschool friend. 

But most of all, I hate myself. Once more I am hating myself because of a boy... but the funny part about it is that he is just another highschool classmate of mine... well the most special highschool classmate of mine. If I could only love him again like I used to when we were younger then I would surely try to be his girlfriend... but I can't because I don't love him like that. Do not be mistaken. I don't love him to the extent that I would be his girlfriend. All I want is for our relationship to stay they were before... like we were in highschool. 

I abhor the fact that I only noticed this now. He is one of the reason why I want to go home. He is also one of the reason why I never forget who I was back when I was in highschool. He is one of the reason why I study well. 

Because once upon a time he was also one of the many reasons why I can smile in the midst of the emotional turmoil I am experiencing. He is one of the reasons why I don't want to give up on life. 

And I hope that I would never lose him... ever... no matter how far the road of life would take me. 



Isa kaming barkada. Magkakaibigan kami. Pag kailangan namin ang isa't-isa andyan lang kami sa tabi-tabi. Masaya kami kapag magksama kami kahit na ba may mga sarili nang nobyo o nobya ang isa't-isa hindi pa rin kami nawawalan ng oras para sa kaibigan namin. 

>>>>

The world only they know...

When I was young whenever someone teases me my parents would say: “Wag mo nang pansinin sinabi nila.” So I tried to apply that lesson in life and it made me more confident in one or two ways.

But I had noticed that as you grow old you forget this lesson especially if you’re famous. Being famous makes people conscious of what other people are saying to them. You have to make sure of your every move... if your blog is still under construction then better if you don’t post it... or else your viewers might lose their interest of you or something like that – in the end I didn’t really understand. 

Actors had it even worse because they can’t even be at ease wherever they go... sometimes even if they are at home. 

Because they don’t have any sense of private life anymore the people around them even forget that they are humans too. Sometimes I even think they don’t go to the bathroom anymore. The image they project seemed so perfect that even if it is ruined a little bit their whole being is already destroyed. 

The law is even more helpful to these celebrities... if a writer or commentator would say bad things about a certain actor then the actor could sue the writer and if he wins he gets richer. I don’t really understand the grounds for libel but as far as I am concerned it’s like that. Why can’t little children do that? If they are being teased by a bully why can’t they sue the bully libel or something similar to that? Oh well I think libel is only applied when printing malicious and false information about a person... so I have to wait until the bully writes whatever he is teasing? Ok... then could I sue him?

I don’t know if I’m still young or just naive or just stupid... because I don’t really want to care about what other people are saying about me. I know it might hurt once I hear them but after that what could I do? If I know for myself that it isn’t true why would I react violently? I was always told back then that if I react to teasing then it just means that what they are saying are all true. So if you know that they’re just teasing then you should just ignore what they are saying... that’s the mature way to act as what I was told about.

Since ignoring false accusations is the mature way then does it mean that those people aren’t mature? Oh well maturity doesn’t really come with aging anyway.

After another random article which is totally incoherent once more... (I swear hindi ako papasa sa ENG2 sa essay na ganito) I part with these words:

Ano? Sinabihan ka nila na meron kang sex video scandal?! Huwag kang maniwala sa kanila hindi totoo yon.

That’s all.

PS: I hate Hayden Kho and all men who are like him... stupid, backstabbing, blackmailing, disgusting and lowly men. Reacting violently? Guilty.

Summer... OJT blues

I am starting my on-the-job training (OJT) this summer. Well that would be the only thing I would do the whole summer. 

I am learning many stuff everyday. This is the first time in my life that I am riding the MRT everyday. When I was younger I always have this strange thought at the back of my mind. I always have this idea that at some point the train would suddenly explode. I'm watching TV too much. That's why I hate watching the news. It's always depressing and terrifying... the worst part of it all... it's true.

I am also learning about rss and php now. Now I finally understoo how powerful those feeds are. So if you want to you could subscribe to my blog... hahaha.

I am never an internet addict but now I appreciate the things the web could do. Maybe someday I would become so tuned to it that it would finally make a permanent place in my life. 

I am also learning a few flash. I could do a bouncing ball now. Hahaha. I know I'm still far from producing a music video or game but soon I'll get there. Soon.

I'm working on a website now. I just hope all would end well. 

Trailer

a movie created by my siblings and me....

somehow it is a Twilight parody... somehow

The aftermath of another winter thanksgiving

“I would rather celebrate valentines WITHOUT a boyfriend than a winter thanksgiving with one at least I do not have to expect something and just be disappointed in the end.”

Warning I am not okay… so do not expect that you’ll like this… you have been warned. 

I thought that if one would work hard then he or she would be rewarded in the end. This is the day I’ve been waiting for… where’s my reward?

I have never been selfish. I gave you love, support even help whenever you needed it… I gave you even more than what you could ask for and what do I get in return. NOTHING.

It’s not about the gifts that would wear out or the chocolate that you would eat and digest or even about the flowers that would wilt.

It’s making me feel I am special.

Why do I always have to be the one who is taking care of you? Between the two of us I am always the one who attends to your every needs. I always look after you, take care of you and try my very best until you are happy. I always worry about you, think about what is best for you and what would make you satisfied.

When is it that it is my turn?

When would you return the love I shower you with? Why wouldn’t you listen to me? Why don’t you let things go my way? Why don’t you surprise me in a good way? Why don’t you give even a little effort in making me happy?

All I want is to feel that I am loved even in the simplest way… I don’t want anything grand. I just want it to be sincere. I just want to feel that I have a reason to do the things I am doing now… I just want to feel I am loved.

Because I am sure as hell that love doesn’t hurt like this. 

I am not sad though. I have finished crying my heart (even my lungs and eyeballs) out last night. I’ve passed through the hellish wave of emotions last night. Now I feel disappointed.

I’m disappointed in myself because I expected something from you.

I’m disappointed in you because you didn’t give me anything.

I’m disappointed in the whole human race because they’ve created this dillusional celebration called Valentines Day.

I am going to be selfish this time. I shall not blame myself. I’ll blame everyone.

Whenever someone needed my help I shall set aside whatever I am doing just to save that friend but now that I am plummeting into the pit of despair I could feel that I have no one to hold on to now.

I’m tired but I know that after everything… maybe tomorrow... I’ll go back to the usual happy me. No one would even know that I almost died last night when my chest was aching so much and I couldn’t breathe because of that suffocating pain that is ripping me apart…

Thank you showerhead for witnessing the torment I was enduring last night.

Thank you Tamad for listening to me this morning as I plan to murder everyone who enjoyed their Valentines… and when I was starting to sound like an atheist.

But no matter how you two were there… you never talked to me… you could never give me any advice or any verbal comfort –the thing I badly needed. You're just inanimate things that could only witness me burning from inside. But I would rather burn than to expect something from him... and be disappointed once more. Burning would guarantee my death... disappointment would never let me rest.

But at least I still have something (something not someone) to talk to...

I have no one human to talk to last night... it was crazy but I have no choice. I had no friends last night :)

Argh… this article is so incoherent… just like my thoughts. I put a warning on top right? Good.

I don’t even know why I am posting this. 

Anyway to stop myself from saying any more stupid, emo and mushy words I’ll end by saying this:

Man had evolved to the point that they don’t need anyone anymore but just themselves… (as if someone would come to save me anyway… ) the point where the only comfort they could ever get is to cry in front of the shower and rant in front of a stuffed toy.

Stop ranting, stop praying, stop hoping… do something.

Dido

My newest story is finished! Yey finally I can start writing another one. This story is entitled Dido:

Lawrence is the tutor of a girl named Fumi -a mysterious girl who resides in a supposedly cursed room. But Fumi is more than just weird and Lawrence can feel it. But will he find out the answers to his questions before he gets into something that he can't escape from or will the room's curse or get him first?