Sunday, February 15, 2009

The aftermath of another winter thanksgiving

“I would rather celebrate valentines WITHOUT a boyfriend than a winter thanksgiving with one at least I do not have to expect something and just be disappointed in the end.”

Warning I am not okay… so do not expect that you’ll like this… you have been warned. 

I thought that if one would work hard then he or she would be rewarded in the end. This is the day I’ve been waiting for… where’s my reward?

I have never been selfish. I gave you love, support even help whenever you needed it… I gave you even more than what you could ask for and what do I get in return. NOTHING.

It’s not about the gifts that would wear out or the chocolate that you would eat and digest or even about the flowers that would wilt.

It’s making me feel I am special.

Why do I always have to be the one who is taking care of you? Between the two of us I am always the one who attends to your every needs. I always look after you, take care of you and try my very best until you are happy. I always worry about you, think about what is best for you and what would make you satisfied.

When is it that it is my turn?

When would you return the love I shower you with? Why wouldn’t you listen to me? Why don’t you let things go my way? Why don’t you surprise me in a good way? Why don’t you give even a little effort in making me happy?

All I want is to feel that I am loved even in the simplest way… I don’t want anything grand. I just want it to be sincere. I just want to feel that I have a reason to do the things I am doing now… I just want to feel I am loved.

Because I am sure as hell that love doesn’t hurt like this. 

I am not sad though. I have finished crying my heart (even my lungs and eyeballs) out last night. I’ve passed through the hellish wave of emotions last night. Now I feel disappointed.

I’m disappointed in myself because I expected something from you.

I’m disappointed in you because you didn’t give me anything.

I’m disappointed in the whole human race because they’ve created this dillusional celebration called Valentines Day.

I am going to be selfish this time. I shall not blame myself. I’ll blame everyone.

Whenever someone needed my help I shall set aside whatever I am doing just to save that friend but now that I am plummeting into the pit of despair I could feel that I have no one to hold on to now.

I’m tired but I know that after everything… maybe tomorrow... I’ll go back to the usual happy me. No one would even know that I almost died last night when my chest was aching so much and I couldn’t breathe because of that suffocating pain that is ripping me apart…

Thank you showerhead for witnessing the torment I was enduring last night.

Thank you Tamad for listening to me this morning as I plan to murder everyone who enjoyed their Valentines… and when I was starting to sound like an atheist.

But no matter how you two were there… you never talked to me… you could never give me any advice or any verbal comfort –the thing I badly needed. You're just inanimate things that could only witness me burning from inside. But I would rather burn than to expect something from him... and be disappointed once more. Burning would guarantee my death... disappointment would never let me rest.

But at least I still have something (something not someone) to talk to...

I have no one human to talk to last night... it was crazy but I have no choice. I had no friends last night :)

Argh… this article is so incoherent… just like my thoughts. I put a warning on top right? Good.

I don’t even know why I am posting this. 

Anyway to stop myself from saying any more stupid, emo and mushy words I’ll end by saying this:

Man had evolved to the point that they don’t need anyone anymore but just themselves… (as if someone would come to save me anyway… ) the point where the only comfort they could ever get is to cry in front of the shower and rant in front of a stuffed toy.

Stop ranting, stop praying, stop hoping… do something.

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