while waiting...

It has been so long since I last updated. I was really busy these past month and even now I'm still busy.

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People have different defense mechanism. Some regress, some don't want to remember and some pretend they are strong.

I am terrified of death... seriously I have clung to life and became addicted to it that much that now I am fearing death.

I believe in God but I also think rationally at the same.

Memories, emotions, senses and everything is perceived by the brain. We are who we are because our brain is working. Now imagine death... well your brain dying. Everything would be cut off. No memories, no emotions, no senses no nothing...

It's just a dark thing that would go on forever and you won't even feel forever. Time is something that the brain just made up in the first place. You can't sense anything... you can't even have a you in the first place.

The darkness, the nothingness, death in itself is scary.

Like I said I have became addicted to life that I fear death.

And because of that fear everytime that topic would be involved I act stupidly and childish.
"Health, long-life... life yuck."

I know... it's just a phase. I would finally treasure my life even more once I would have children of my own... however... how could I bear a child with the thought that somehow he or she would die too?

To live is to think that tomorrow you could just die.

It maybe just a phase and I would grow out of it but what they don't see that it is just a defense mechanism in the first place. I don't want to die that's why I am showing them that I don't want to live long.

I know it is weird but what could I do? I can't help myself.


It's scary. Being nothing. It is seriously freaking me out.