Monday, August 20, 2012

Just checking if I am gay....

Recently, I’ve been attracted to men who my friends and colleagues think are “gay”, “gay-ish”, or even “effeminate”. I’m not bothered by this because I don’t really care. People can be attracted to someone because of many reasons and I am sure of the reasons why I am attracted to them. It is just one/any/all of these things: voice, talent or skill, passion for what they do, and that adorable charm that makes my heart melt... and shoulders… don’t forget the shoulder porn (things I learn from Tumblr).

I am not attracted to someone because of their looks because I won’t really give a fuck how they’ll look like if I don’t wear my glasses. My eyesight is like this… take a picture, now apply Gaussian blur on it like five times on Photoshop and I believe my eyes are still worse than that blurry thing. Now how on earth could I tell how beautiful or handsome someone’s face is or how sculpted or defined that person’s body is… when I won’t even be able to see something a feet and a half away from me? That’s why being attracted to someone’s voice is perfect if you have eyes like mine…

And about the other stuff like talent and passion… maybe I could post that some other time. Wait. Maybe I already posted it. XD I dunno.

Anyway, back to the topic I want to hold on to… yes the “gay” thing… I don’t really understand why people want to think they are gay. Well NPH is gay no question about that but the others aren’t. As long as they haven’t opened up being gay, and as long as they don’t have a boyfriend I will still believe that they are straight … and that I have a chance with them… just joking… it’s impossible.

I am not offended though, if I say I don’t care. I don’t. Really. Care. I don’t think there’s anything wrong if they are indeed homosexual. The talent, the voice, the passion and the charm will still be there and I will still turn into a mushy unintelligible jelly pond. What hurts me is that when people say that they are gay it sounds to me like they make that person less awesome… and maybe if they are gay then I don’t have a chance with them (which is again impossible in the first place)… and I don’t like that at all. I like dreaming and these people are awesome.

They are not gay, not because being gay is wrong… it’s because they are not homosexuals at all. It’s more a fact. I just don’t like calling a cat a dog when in fact it is a cat. Or someone calling a parrot a chicken when it is in fact a parrot.

The machismo shit people like to throw around is really annoying me. Just because that guy is gentle and says sweet stuff then he’s suddenly gay?! I am not sure about their definition of gay but I do not like to associate that adjective with them. It’s like saying that straight men cannot be sweet. It’s like saying that men are always rough, emotionless and insensitive.  It’s like doing something nice, gentle or good is only a feminine act. Bullshit. If men are all like that then I won’t mind being a lesbian for gay men.

I sound butt hurt now, don’t I? Hahahahahaha.

Then all these things would make me think… what if I’m gay now?! D: What if after being fed all these yaoi, BL, and shounen-ai things and being able to tolerate it… I finally turned into one of them. *shiver* Because I have to face it, the best fangirl materials came from fandoms with BL on it so now I’m used to seeing these things. And these fans are just amazing. The things they draw, write, create are simply amazing. They are very talented people contributing beautiful things for their community. Isn’t that really nice? But just don’t put hardcore stuff there. I feel uncomfortable *cringe*. I respect what they like but I can’t stop being uncomfortable. Sorry.

So just to check if I am still me, this is quite important for someone like me, I test myself sometimes. I should tell you that I do not enjoy it at all. It’s like taking bitter medicine… no matter how awful it taste it will solve the problem. So there… I am still not a fujoshi. Thank god!

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