Sunday, February 5, 2012

Deal with it

There are so many things I want to do in life but I don’t really include “travelling” in that list. I don’t mind that I can’t go to many places or try new things. I feel like I have so many things that I can do here in front of the laptop that there is no need for me to move.

But new places can be exciting as well and if an opportunity opens up why should I decline it?

But along with that excitement anxiety ensues. I don’t even know why. I thought I am so used to being alone that I can handle wherever life toss me. But I was wrong. Whenever I get to think clearly by myself those fears resurfaces. Those questions and uncertainties would go haunting me just before the moment when I close my eyes and drift into my dreams. I don’t like it either but I can’t help it. During those idle times are my weakest.

What do I think about?

I think about the things I don’t know. For me it’s as dangerous as swimming in waters you don’t know how deep. I fear that I might not be able to do the right thing at once since it’s all fairly new. The first step is always the scariest; it’s the part that I really hate. I know how I struggle at everything when I’m starting so I often wish I could just skip that part. But unfortunately I can’t so I have to deal with it.

And because I don’t know a lot about something I am bound to mess up. I don’t like messing up especially when my life is at stake or when people are counting on me. It’s something that bothers me to no end. Now I know why comfort zones are named as such.

Yes, in short, I don’t like leaving my comfort zone.

But you know what, no matter how much I whine about this to myself I would still wake up the next morning and try it anyway. It’s something I know I would do. I know there would be a little voice inside me saying “If your heart beats like that, then it is an adventure.”

Adventures. I like adventures. Then I would smile again and all those fears would subside and hide beneath my subconscious. It’s a new morning again. Those musings I had done the night before are now all in the past.

So in the end no matter how I much I tell myself that I’m scared, I would still reject it all and just go on with it. That is one annoying part of me but also the part of me that keeps me going. I would not be able to be in half of the places I’ve been. Hey, they aren’t that many but for someone who dislikes new places and travelling that’s already a big achievement.

So I know today’s rant is incoherent again and I’m just pouring out ideas that I obviously didn’t proofread... and I know that it may be insignificant to your life but this is quite important to me. I may have to read this again in the near future just to remind me how troublesome everything was for me in the beginning. I might read this after a year and just laugh at myself for being this worried... but that’s me and this is my blog... so... deal with it XP

“Onwards to our next adventure!” 

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