Tuesday, March 23, 2010

It's been a long time... time to rant!

It’s been a while journal. It’s been a while since I wrote here and because of something I decided to write again.

It started with a question inside my head. I never really thought about it for a while with it but I think that thinking about it seemed important.

The question was: why am I doing all these ‘weird’ stuff?

If you know me then you would understand if you don’t then I hope you find this short rambling to be interesting.

I smile whenever I hear that question inside my head. I never really answered it myself until now. However, upon thinking really hard it made me realized how long the explanation for such characteristic.

When I was younger… like 10-16 years old young… I was a very shy girl. I never really spoke whatever it is inside my head. I never really liked talking to anyone. I would rather hide inside my head and talk to myself. I know then that my train of thought is just different from everyone else’s so I never really say anything about what’s going on in my head.

Like I said, I was shy. I never really speak unless necessary and finally I was always afraid.

Although I was shy there was something that I’d really want to achieve. It was something that cannot be achieved especially if one is shy and quiet. No. I don’t want to be famous. Fame is something that was not even on my list. Rather than being famous, I wanted to be remembered. I doesn’t matter how many or how long but I just want to be remembered by anyone and everyone I’ve met. I want to have a piece of me inside their hearts and minds that whenever they pass me by on the streets they would call my name, or at least wave at me, or at least look at me and say ‘hey I know her…’

Like a character said, “to be forgotten is worse than death.”

But the problem is I am just shy. The wall would even be more memorable than me. Because I’m too shy and afraid I became too normal. No one really remembers a person who seemed like everyone else.

“People remember those kinds of people… the weird ones.” Another person said that to me once. She was talking about a classmate of mine… soon later that certain classmate of mine turned my whole world inside out.

He inspired me at some point and changed me. He didn’t even know what he did. It just happened.

From then on I started to change myself. Little by little, I learned how to speak up. Slowly, the things inside my head were flowing into words. Bit by bit, my true self surfaces.

But alas, I still live in the world of normal people and though I try to pull myself out of this shell chains of the norm entangle me once more and I helplessly go back to being normal again. The persistent mask hiding who I really want to be was removed and put on back to me a lot of time over the years.

So the battle went on. I guess I was confused a lot as to who I am. I lied a lot too. I don’t like lying but I often do it to myself.

Good thing I entered college that time. I had a chance to change who I was. I was planning to change my nickname too but in the end I failed since I’m used to my old nickname.

In the beginning I was still the same me. I hate it. I really thought I missed my chance… but then I met my crazy roommates. Each and every one of them taught me such important lessons about myself. I even think one of them influenced a quarter of who I am now.

But seriously, the one who influenced me a LOT is the same person I love now. It started with a game called corruption. It was an interesting game and I thought that I would win. In the end the game just made me remove the mask. It wasn’t really the game but rather the person. That person tore the chains that bound me as if they were only pieces of paper.

He changed me. Even more than anyone could.

However, the way he changed me was harsh. It wasn’t encouragement or little talks that made me who I am now but rather self-loathing and soul-crushing harshness that whipped me into shape. I hope that person didn’t mean any of those. I love that person… but that’s another story.
Anyway because of that person my thoughts flowed out easily without any trace of hindrance. I guess with those wretched mask and chains out of the way I can say what I think easily.

And thus, I have decided.

But as soon as I decided that it kind of blend into whom I am. I think then I speak. My wild ideas rampaged out and made me who I am now. Somehow I do not have regrets for I know this is how I really am.
There are times when I don’t mean it and then there are times when I intend to do those things. It was all for the sake of not becoming normal. It was all for the sake of being remembered. I smile, I laugh I do all those stuff so that at least a part of me would hold onto your memories.

“Yes. The last time we would be having a conversation we would talk about chest hairs.”

I always wanted to be the only person who they can talk like this and the only person who could talk about stuff like these. I do weird dances whenever I’m stressed out. I enjoy thinking out of the box. I love talking about non-existent things. I am illogical. I am irrational. I am emotional.

So that’s the answer to that question after all these musings. I am like this because I want to be a part of your memory.

However, of course there are people who cannot accept me. I do not hate them though. I accept them for who they are, I respect their views and I acknowledge our differences. I try to blend in as much as I can but I know that I can’t please anyone. I don’t force them to like me. In fact, I don’t expect them to like me at all… maybe I’m just wishing that they would remember me even when I’m part of the other list.

I still have no regrets though. I know that answering that question would further make me question what I do but I have no regrets. I have met wonderful people and it was because of them that I am now writing this and saying all these stuff. I have become who I am and I’m just happy being here.
Don’t like it? Ok then.

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