I want to think that it's actually getting better but the idea of believing in myself is so foreign that there's a detachment every time I think about it. I don't think it's good at all but I get giggly and excited when someone shows appreciation for it. I am always proud in all of my creations (especially if I put them out in public) regardless if they’re good or not, but in the end, it’s the validation of others that will put worth in it. I’m not saying that’s a good trait, but it’s the way I am. As Lady Gaga had worded it, “I live for the applause”.
There's also that crazy raging thought of "if I learn this I'll rule the world" and it manifests in tutorials I’ve watched and read. Just a disclaimer though, I never saw anything as easy, the determinant if I’ll do it is, if it was within “doable” range; time constraint and ability are always regarded when judging something as doable. But then again, that imagery of being really good is always suppressed every time it comes out. It’s a scary selfish thought for me and I don’t like the ‘me’ when I indulge in such thoughts. Me with actual legit self-confidence? Now that’s a concept.
My usual thoughts are: I won't ever learn it and this endeavor won't be something big.
Indeed, I've already put myself down even before the scumbags come to prey on my low self-esteem. There are always scumbags and in my years of struggling, I’ve learned that it was easier to protect yourself if you’ve always put yourself too low for anyone to hurt. Advance ako mag-isip. You can’t step on me because my foot is already on my person.
So yeah, It's just funny for me, at this point in time, to even think of calling my doodles as art. I've seen art and it's not like my shit and my shit won't ever touch that level. I don’t strive to become an artist, I just like drawing and if they come out as recognizable caricatures of what I wanted to do then that already means the world to me.
On the writing side, I’ve been reading novels again (ehem MXTX cnovels). But the interesting part is that these novels are translated from Chinese. And I believe that no matter how perfect the translation is, reading it from the author’s writing and in the author’s language is still the best. The whole plot and the grand scheme of things are good to read, but the nuances and references an author could put in their story make the communication between the reader and author more personal. And even with the author’s notes, I can feel the gap.
However, despite saying that and acknowledging the gap, the brilliance of this author still shines through her works. The imagery, comedy, suspense, gore, horror, angst, drama, and love story (and so much more) were all conveyed properly and constructed carefully that I cannot even believe what I’m reading.
I can praise all her works but that begs for another blog post. I’d rather focus on what it meant to me as an author. Reading her plot devices and world building, gave me a sense of shame in how lazy I am regarding my own plots especially world-building. Though I agree that my strength lies in characterization and dialogues, even that pales in comparison to her characters. In my defense, I do fanfics so my characterizations come from pre-existing OCs, so it’s more of a character study than conception. (Look how defensive I am in this part in comparison to the previous topic)
A disclaimer again, I am not a writing or literature person and I have failed to be a journalist; I’m a programmer that likes to write. My educational background taught me algorithms and codes, not plot devices or writing styles. But I do love sharing stories and so far writing is an effective medium for me. I still dream of publishing someday and it was a dream of mine since 2001, but for now and for me, my works aren’t even worthy of payment (I don’t do commissions).
Like drawing, I do this for fun and self-satisfaction. But unlike drawing, I’ve focused on improving on writing for years so I am surer of what I’m doing. Not confident, but just ‘surer’. I’ve had so many struggles that I managed to pull through and now I know myself enough as a writer (and how a piece of shit I am).
Like, to avoid plot holes, I re-read my story. If I feel that my vocab is weak or I don’t know the fandom’s setting, I read articles and other fics (yeah fanfic writers love to throw unfamiliar words out there). Or if I feel that I need a different style in my fic, I read other novels. Sometimes I pick particular books to read or listen to so I can use that as an inspiration on how I’m writing my fic. For example, before, I listened to Dracula so I can write a vampire Osomatsu. So yeah, reading Mxtx’s three books was also my way to skill up and I’m glad I learned many things.
The next challenge now is to put them to use.
So that’s done and in another topic —
Regarding intimidation, oh my dear, the world in itself is intimidating and if I always look at it with fear then I won’t get anywhere. True, I get overwhelmed a lot, but I just need to sort and prioritize to get through it. Instead of eating the whole thing in one bite, I learned to cut in it bite-sized bits (and chew really quickly if needed) — but that’s a different story.
Intimidation is not something that can bring me down, I will cry, rant and whine, but I know how to pick myself up and face them anyway. I’ve done it so many times before that I already know my pattern. Thus, people with high self-esteem, with godlike talents or burning passion, will not hurt my eyes. In fact, I enjoy watching people like that, they’re really really interesting and sometimes even inspirational. So unless they do something to me, they won’t make me stop in pursuing my mediocre goals, and at the same time, they can’t influence my pace. I’ve learned years and years ago how much it hurts to compare yourself with others so I won’t do that again.
BUT, but, but, being scared to talk to people has always been an inherent sickness of mine. It’s not about skills or position, sometimes, I’m just really scared of talking to people.
I like passionate people because people are always the most beautiful when they talk about the things they like (this is a quote somewhere. I forgot). I don’t need to know or to relate to see how much happiness the thing they like brings them. So I respect it and be happy for them, and I promised myself to value that.
I know this won’t ensure that they would respect what I like too — I mean there are so many assholes — but I’m just hoping that by doing this, the fire won’t die. To me that’s the saddest thing, seeing someone who used to be so enthusiastic slowly burn out. The beauty, the pure joy that used to shine in their eyes, just gone and I can’t do anything to bring them back. It’s empty, devoid of warmth and love and it’s just sad. I mean, even hating something is better, because the opposite of love is indifference. I’ve seen it and I hated it.
….Okay I have run out of shit to talk about to now and I’m just rambling. And I don’t know how to conclude this...
Kaya ganito na lang bigla na lang mawawala.
x
