Heartbeats

So I've been writing originals again and I finally get to upload the first chapter of Heartbeats! Yay.

It's a story based from a dream I had around 4 years ago. Back then the dream was fairly simple and straight to the point... like 3 pages or something...  but somehow I've developed the characters and the setting even more and that short dream turned into a long story.

I already have the whole thing floating in my head so I just have to write and refine it. It's nice to write about characters of my own, since I've been writing and thinking about fanfics for quite a while now.

So there... hopefully I improved from the last original story I posted on wattpad and hopefully I can stick to my "I upload every Thursday" rule. 

---

Sasha has a strong heart, a single heart that gives off a wonderful beating sound. However, her heart beats not for her but for the people she cares about.
    
    Her heart beats for the guy she likes; a guy who can stand being around her and will readily give a smile to her when she herself can not. 
    
    Her heart beats for the man she admires; the man she believes in with every inch of her existence. She would go to hell and back for him with just a single word.
    
    But most important of all, her heart beats for her brother. The brother she was born to care for. She will do anything to protect him and to make sure that he will be a stronger person. 
    
    The world may be a very dangerous place, but Sasha is determined to do everything just to keep those hearts beating… 
    
    ...even if means stealing other people’s heartbeats or even if it means giving up her own.

>Start reading

I walked home from Mega today... it feels like shit

We were there. I was there. I WAS FUCKING THERE!
I was in the middle of the crowd, surrounded by people who were blinded by their faith and hypnotized by the strong and soothing (at medyo mangiyak ngiyak pa) voices of their leaders. They clung to their every word. They stayed in the streets; sleeping on the road and letting even their children get wet and hungry.

It was very repulsing, even more disgusting than the stench of pee and odor of the people around me.

We just wanted to go home. We just wanted to go back to our dry and comfy home. But you assholes blocked the roads, pushed me around, shouted in my ear, littered the already dirty EDSA, and made my short walk home feel like shit.

The whole time I was just thinking of our goal. Onti na lang makakauwi na kami. I tried my best not to voice my opinion and to not physically attack anyone. I am quite proud of my patience. It was such a feat. Because I swear, I was so angry with all the stupidity and foolishness.

Respect? Bullshit!

Hindi niyo nga nirespeto yung mga tao na nakatira sa paligid at higit sa lahat minura niyo na rin lahat ng mga tao na gumagamit ng EDSA. Hindi ko gustong respetuhin ang mga bobong tulad niyo.
Hindi ako naniniwala sa mga paniniwala niyo pero kaya kong tumahimik tungkol doon at hayaan kayo na mabuhay sa panaginip na yan, pero ngayon nakakaagrabyado na kayo.
That's all you.
That's not god or whoever anymore. Being there was all your decision.
So I will not respect you because what you did was awful.

I hate you. You are wrong.

Wala kayong pakialam sa kapakanan namin mas lalong wala akong pakialam sa inyo.

Kahit may nakikita akong mga taong natutulog sa kalsada, mga taong mukhang pagod at gutom, at mga basa sa ulan. Hindi ako nakaramdam ng awa. Siguro naawa ako sa mga walang alam na bata dahil nakaladkad lang sila doon ng mga magulang nila. Pero nagagalit ako sa lahat ng mga may-isip na, kahit pa sa mga matatanda, dahil ginusto nila yan kaya mabuti at magdusa sila.

Gusto ko pa nga makaramdam pa sila ng mas malalang bagay hanggang sa matauhan sila at mapaisip na hindi naman tama ang ginagawa nila. Gusto ko silang mag-isip at hindi maging tanga-tangang sumusunod sa kung ano lang ang sabihin ng mga pinuno nila. Gusto ko lang talaga silang umuwi.

Kung ayaw niyo respetuhin at sundin ang mga batas na namamahala sa bansang ito e di lumayas kayo!
Hindi namin kayo kailangan at mas lalong hindi namin gusto kayong makasama.

Separate yourself completely from our country please. We would love it if you go away.

In the end, I made it back home safely. But up until now, I still want to skin alive and torture each and every single person there.
I wonder if Abalos would give me a permit for that if I can secure millions of votes for him. I bet he will.

Slowly but surely 3 months had passed

The last few days were more than just distractions; I am actually having fun. 

Slowly but surely, I am enjoying myself. Slowly but surely, the dreams and nightmares about him decrease. Slowly but surely, I don't cry myself to sleep anymore.

I may never recover. I may never move on. But at least I'm more than functioning. I can feel again without having to cry because he isn't there to share these feelings with me. I can genuinely be happy without having to revert back to those painful emptiness again. I can express appropriate emotions to whatever anime I'm watching or stuff I'm reading without having to pull back to myself again and realize how lonely I am. 

I noticed how wild these emotions are now that I have no buffer. I easily snap now and about to explode. I'm still working on that. I will overcome that... slowly but surely. 

I am still unable to read that much manga because reading manga was 'his thing' for a long long time. It still leaves me with a bittersweet ache in my heart whenever I think that "he could be reading the same thing but I bet he's not thinking about how I would react to this" 

It's true that there are so many things around me that I associate with him. He was my life for nine years so that is only natural. But if I would be bitter or sad about I would have nothing left for me. I would learn to accept all these associations. I won't even think about him. 

slowly... surely... 

I'm talking to myself

A photo posted by Edz (@erysd) on Jun 15, 2015 at 5:38am PDT

I bought a new wig and wore it today. It is quite heavier than my other wigs but manageable. I got used to it after a while.

A photo posted by Edz (@erysd) on Jun 20, 2015 at 12:16am PDT

I find it cute on me. I wish you could see me wearing that wig. I hope you find me cute in it as well. 

I didn't even manage to begin my Retoree cosplay. Sure, I have the eyes and hair already but our sewing machine was broken last Sunday. Didn't even got to make a single stitch. I was disheartened to do anything about it after that, because I really wanted to make my own skirt, make changes on the polo blouse and learn how to do the collar. It's not really about spending money, I guess I just wanted to "level up" my sewing skills even a little. :(

Anyway, even with that I still pulled off a Retoree cosplay the night before Toycon. lol.

A photo posted by Edz (@erysd) on Jun 19, 2015 at 11:00am PDT

I also bought another wig... but it's not the right color for Retoree's tail :(. Ah well, I know I'll be able to use it on some other cosplay or some event in  the office. It's a Class A wig but thicker than the one I bought before and doesn't smell like Barbie.

A photo posted by Edz (@erysd) on Jun 18, 2015 at 11:42pm PDT

TOO BRIGHT! I must say. But yeah, I will have plans for this.

I saw two Jojo cosplayers at Toycon. One was Jotaro. No Dio though... sad. But they had a Jojo display among the other toy collections. Yay for Jojo!

Speaking of Jojo, I'll watch, in about an hour or so, the last episode of Stardust Crusaders. I really wanted to watch it with you. but I guess that will never be. So I'll just think that at least we're watching the same episode and maybe I would be able to watch it without crying. It's weird to feel that if I say goodbye to that season I'm saying goodbye to you again. It does not make any sense! XD And I shouldn't connect Jojo to you... I should stop connecting things to you no matter how easily they fall into place. I'll try not be sad about it and I'll try to burn all the bridges and connections until these things they don't hurt anymore.


So there... just wanted to pretend to be talking to you because I dread the day that you stop ignoring me and that I get to talk to you again. By then, I don't want to cry in front of you anymore and by then I certainly don't want to be in love with you anymore. 

A hard habit to break

Thinking about him is second nature to me. I wake up in the morning with thoughts of him and I fall asleep talking and sharing stuff with him.

Hugging him, kissing him, holding his hand.. I do these things as naturally as breathing. It's automatic. I don't even have to think about it.

Nine years is a long time. The things I did with him, the things I do for him are embedded deep within my subconscious. It's a habit formed and strengthened through the years. I don't even have to think about being with him, it just comes to me. That may be the reason why I still dream about him every night. My self doesn't want to let him go.

It can easily be said that I'm in love with a memory... with a habit... since I haven't seen him in a while. But bullshit. I love that man and everything he does.. even the littlest of things. I even adore the way he puts his chopsticks away. I have never loved an existence like that. And looking around, I don't think I can love another.. but that is easy, I don't think anyone else can love me so there's no pressure. I am unlovable. So unless you are family, who has no choice but to love me, I cannot be loved.

He proved it, right? I do not deserve love. Even he, the man I trusted with my heart and soul, thinks that I shouldn't be loved and cared for. He showed me that I am not the kind of person someone can share their life with. I am not the kind of person that can be a reason to live for. I have no significance, I have no impact on his life, and I am not worth anything. I am nothing.

There is solace in knowing that he easily discarded me in his life. Threw me away like some garbage. He was so fine with it that it is foolish of me to even cry about this now. He doesn't even think of me anymore. I even doubt that a part of me stayed in his life. I am so forgettable that all those years can easily be shrugged off. I cry thinking about this but I know that's the truth, else why would he let go of me so easily?

So even if all these things come back to me there is no way that it could happen again. Not with him like that.

I still love him. But just because you love someone doesn't mean it can go back to what it was before. Of course it's harder when you are the only one between the two of you that cares for the other deeply. He realized that this is not going to work. I made a decision. But I miss him terribly so, and I want to express and throw at him all the love in my heart. But he doesn't want that so I should respect it. I should stay away and not try to run his life... give him space to do what he wants. Let him be happy even if I'm not part of that happiness.  

Though it destroys me I have to stand by my decision and break this habit. Life will go on for me and I have to endure and fight these feelings. My goal now in life is to not feel anything at all; to discard feelings as easily as he removed me from his side. I am a ball of emotions but I will try my very best to be nothing. Step by step, one day at a time... I'll do this until I finally kill myself.

Because living is a hard habit to break.

Dear past me

Dear past me...

Who are you?
How does it feel to be that happy?
Who are you?


I feel that I don't know you anymore.

Your smile doesn't look familiar. The thoughts you had don't ring a bell. Your actions feel so awkward.

You are me yet I am not you.

As the days pass, you are becoming more and more of a stranger to me.

I envy you. I hate you. I want to be you. 

Who are you?

I don't know who this happy me anymore. I don't know how to be that happy anymore.

ANIMAX CARNIVAL PH 2015

I went with my sister to Animax Carnival PH day 1. I didn't really bought much since there were only a few booths but the essentials were there: wigs, lenses, jackets and shirts, cute stuff. I guess those are the only merch you will need for a basic con.

But what I really liked was the displays especially the cherry blossom

If I say I didn't find this beautiful... that would be a big lie. #acph

A photo posted by Edz (@erysd) on May 30, 2015 at 7:43am PDT

But the beautiful displays still cannot deny the fact that I got bored. I was expecting "something" from this con and it didn't meet it. I like Fairy tail but I won't go to a con to watch a movie. I also didn't know Gonzo but I must say, he is very entertaining.

Personally though, I was happy to test out my camera. It has been a long time since I got excited taking pictures of cosplayers. \^o^/ So yay for Sammy's (camera's name) first event!

Overall, they could have done more for this event. I guess you wouldn't miss anything if you did not go to ACPH 2015. So, I honestly hope that they do this again next year and bring some guests that I could reaaaally get excited about.