Pictures~

While I was walking I saw this tiny box... somehow I think there's something wrong about it... I just don't know if I'm green-minded or it is just normal.

Now this is hilarious... I saw this while buying a screwdriver...

What sign? I don't see no sign! Haha. Only in the Philippines. ^_^

while waiting...

It has been so long since I last updated. I was really busy these past month and even now I'm still busy.

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People have different defense mechanism. Some regress, some don't want to remember and some pretend they are strong.

I am terrified of death... seriously I have clung to life and became addicted to it that much that now I am fearing death.

I believe in God but I also think rationally at the same.

Memories, emotions, senses and everything is perceived by the brain. We are who we are because our brain is working. Now imagine death... well your brain dying. Everything would be cut off. No memories, no emotions, no senses no nothing...

It's just a dark thing that would go on forever and you won't even feel forever. Time is something that the brain just made up in the first place. You can't sense anything... you can't even have a you in the first place.

The darkness, the nothingness, death in itself is scary.

Like I said I have became addicted to life that I fear death.

And because of that fear everytime that topic would be involved I act stupidly and childish.
"Health, long-life... life yuck."

I know... it's just a phase. I would finally treasure my life even more once I would have children of my own... however... how could I bear a child with the thought that somehow he or she would die too?

To live is to think that tomorrow you could just die.

It maybe just a phase and I would grow out of it but what they don't see that it is just a defense mechanism in the first place. I don't want to die that's why I am showing them that I don't want to live long.

I know it is weird but what could I do? I can't help myself.


It's scary. Being nothing. It is seriously freaking me out.

Tatak Andrade

Just another home video.

Point of no return

I really don't know why I only find out my mistakes only during the point of no return. I really hate it. I really want to be careful all the time and try to think before doing anything but in the end I end up regretting what I'd done. 

I really hate it. I hate myself everytime I do stupid things like that. 

But hating myself, regretting what I've done etc... really can't help me. 

So that's the cue for me to stop wallowing in self pity and start doing something to solve my problem. The problem is clear... I know the solution... now the part I hate the most -waiting time. 

>>>>>

I'm going back to LB... although it's not until Sunday but I'm starting to get excited. I want to sleep in my new room and start a new semester. I also have to fix my schedule and make sure to get 10 units, fix my INC status in 2 of my majors and of course fix my life before actually starting a new chapter in my life.


I just hope that I won't screw up. The thing I hate the mst about myself is that the simplest problems are only in front of my face waiting to bite me but I just don't see it...

so I screw up... and the problem became bigger because I'm in the point of no return.

For him... and only him...

I wanted to hate him. They say that I don't need a friend like that. He doesn't know me anymore and I don't know him. I now it was just a poor choice of words and he just overestimated me. I know he was just joking but I can't stop myself from hurting. Harsh words are still harsh and it could mean differently from one person to another.

Seriously I've already forgiven him from all the things he'd done to me... maybe because his little acts of kindness towards me are those acts of kindness that I truly missed. I could never forget everything he'd done to me up until now. If you could be less perverted then I could have already fallen in love with him... again. But I know him too well to even think about having those feelings for him. 7 years.

We drifted too far away from each other that when we met once more it was different. I was too selfish to even think that he would not change. Now I know him better and even though I had a hard time... I was happy.

He overestimated me because he doesn't know the person I am now. He overestimated me. Because I changed a lot from the way I was before... I was a big disappointment. I changed and I disappointed him because of it.

And yet even though he hated me that day... he still never left me. Right then and there I wanted to go back to the person I was four years ago to the person he almost loved. But I guess once you move forward there is no turning back.

I'm really really grateful for everything. I was selfish, irrational, stupid and childish ... and yet he never left me. I am really grateful and yet I still can't say "thank you". I wanted to thank him and yet I can't say it.

I'm totally inefficient... useless...

so don't you ever look at me like that again. Demmet! I'm worthless!

Another thought

>>>I don't know why I am so frustrated about it. I mean he is JUST my highschool classmate and I should accept the fact that his world and mine are two different things now. 

But there's always that something inside me that would tell me that accepting those things are wrong.

If he goes on like this then I would surely miss him. I don't know exactly what he is for me. Aside from being an old friend I know that there is something more. He is not my lover, and I am sure of that for I am now in love with someone else. But definitely he is more than a friend for me and a proof of that is I don't want him to get romantically involved with another girl. 
I know that I am being selfish but I can't help it. Everytime I think about the consequences of this petty fight I tend to cry. I don't want to lose him. I adore him for he is my friend. I hate it when I don't hear his voice over the telephone. I hate it whenever he tells me that he doesn't want me to come over to their house. I hate it whenever I feel that I am nothing more but a highschool friend. 

But most of all, I hate myself. Once more I am hating myself because of a boy... but the funny part about it is that he is just another highschool classmate of mine... well the most special highschool classmate of mine. If I could only love him again like I used to when we were younger then I would surely try to be his girlfriend... but I can't because I don't love him like that. Do not be mistaken. I don't love him to the extent that I would be his girlfriend. All I want is for our relationship to stay they were before... like we were in highschool. 

I abhor the fact that I only noticed this now. He is one of the reason why I want to go home. He is also one of the reason why I never forget who I was back when I was in highschool. He is one of the reason why I study well. 

Because once upon a time he was also one of the many reasons why I can smile in the midst of the emotional turmoil I am experiencing. He is one of the reasons why I don't want to give up on life. 

And I hope that I would never lose him... ever... no matter how far the road of life would take me. 



Isa kaming barkada. Magkakaibigan kami. Pag kailangan namin ang isa't-isa andyan lang kami sa tabi-tabi. Masaya kami kapag magksama kami kahit na ba may mga sarili nang nobyo o nobya ang isa't-isa hindi pa rin kami nawawalan ng oras para sa kaibigan namin. 

>>>>

The world only they know...

When I was young whenever someone teases me my parents would say: “Wag mo nang pansinin sinabi nila.” So I tried to apply that lesson in life and it made me more confident in one or two ways.

But I had noticed that as you grow old you forget this lesson especially if you’re famous. Being famous makes people conscious of what other people are saying to them. You have to make sure of your every move... if your blog is still under construction then better if you don’t post it... or else your viewers might lose their interest of you or something like that – in the end I didn’t really understand. 

Actors had it even worse because they can’t even be at ease wherever they go... sometimes even if they are at home. 

Because they don’t have any sense of private life anymore the people around them even forget that they are humans too. Sometimes I even think they don’t go to the bathroom anymore. The image they project seemed so perfect that even if it is ruined a little bit their whole being is already destroyed. 

The law is even more helpful to these celebrities... if a writer or commentator would say bad things about a certain actor then the actor could sue the writer and if he wins he gets richer. I don’t really understand the grounds for libel but as far as I am concerned it’s like that. Why can’t little children do that? If they are being teased by a bully why can’t they sue the bully libel or something similar to that? Oh well I think libel is only applied when printing malicious and false information about a person... so I have to wait until the bully writes whatever he is teasing? Ok... then could I sue him?

I don’t know if I’m still young or just naive or just stupid... because I don’t really want to care about what other people are saying about me. I know it might hurt once I hear them but after that what could I do? If I know for myself that it isn’t true why would I react violently? I was always told back then that if I react to teasing then it just means that what they are saying are all true. So if you know that they’re just teasing then you should just ignore what they are saying... that’s the mature way to act as what I was told about.

Since ignoring false accusations is the mature way then does it mean that those people aren’t mature? Oh well maturity doesn’t really come with aging anyway.

After another random article which is totally incoherent once more... (I swear hindi ako papasa sa ENG2 sa essay na ganito) I part with these words:

Ano? Sinabihan ka nila na meron kang sex video scandal?! Huwag kang maniwala sa kanila hindi totoo yon.

That’s all.

PS: I hate Hayden Kho and all men who are like him... stupid, backstabbing, blackmailing, disgusting and lowly men. Reacting violently? Guilty.