Slowly but surely 3 months had passed

The last few days were more than just distractions; I am actually having fun. 

Slowly but surely, I am enjoying myself. Slowly but surely, the dreams and nightmares about him decrease. Slowly but surely, I don't cry myself to sleep anymore.

I may never recover. I may never move on. But at least I'm more than functioning. I can feel again without having to cry because he isn't there to share these feelings with me. I can genuinely be happy without having to revert back to those painful emptiness again. I can express appropriate emotions to whatever anime I'm watching or stuff I'm reading without having to pull back to myself again and realize how lonely I am. 

I noticed how wild these emotions are now that I have no buffer. I easily snap now and about to explode. I'm still working on that. I will overcome that... slowly but surely. 

I am still unable to read that much manga because reading manga was 'his thing' for a long long time. It still leaves me with a bittersweet ache in my heart whenever I think that "he could be reading the same thing but I bet he's not thinking about how I would react to this" 

It's true that there are so many things around me that I associate with him. He was my life for nine years so that is only natural. But if I would be bitter or sad about I would have nothing left for me. I would learn to accept all these associations. I won't even think about him. 

slowly... surely... 

I'm talking to myself

A photo posted by Edz (@erysd) on Jun 15, 2015 at 5:38am PDT

I bought a new wig and wore it today. It is quite heavier than my other wigs but manageable. I got used to it after a while.

A photo posted by Edz (@erysd) on Jun 20, 2015 at 12:16am PDT

I find it cute on me. I wish you could see me wearing that wig. I hope you find me cute in it as well. 

I didn't even manage to begin my Retoree cosplay. Sure, I have the eyes and hair already but our sewing machine was broken last Sunday. Didn't even got to make a single stitch. I was disheartened to do anything about it after that, because I really wanted to make my own skirt, make changes on the polo blouse and learn how to do the collar. It's not really about spending money, I guess I just wanted to "level up" my sewing skills even a little. :(

Anyway, even with that I still pulled off a Retoree cosplay the night before Toycon. lol.

A photo posted by Edz (@erysd) on Jun 19, 2015 at 11:00am PDT

I also bought another wig... but it's not the right color for Retoree's tail :(. Ah well, I know I'll be able to use it on some other cosplay or some event in  the office. It's a Class A wig but thicker than the one I bought before and doesn't smell like Barbie.

A photo posted by Edz (@erysd) on Jun 18, 2015 at 11:42pm PDT

TOO BRIGHT! I must say. But yeah, I will have plans for this.

I saw two Jojo cosplayers at Toycon. One was Jotaro. No Dio though... sad. But they had a Jojo display among the other toy collections. Yay for Jojo!

Speaking of Jojo, I'll watch, in about an hour or so, the last episode of Stardust Crusaders. I really wanted to watch it with you. but I guess that will never be. So I'll just think that at least we're watching the same episode and maybe I would be able to watch it without crying. It's weird to feel that if I say goodbye to that season I'm saying goodbye to you again. It does not make any sense! XD And I shouldn't connect Jojo to you... I should stop connecting things to you no matter how easily they fall into place. I'll try not be sad about it and I'll try to burn all the bridges and connections until these things they don't hurt anymore.


So there... just wanted to pretend to be talking to you because I dread the day that you stop ignoring me and that I get to talk to you again. By then, I don't want to cry in front of you anymore and by then I certainly don't want to be in love with you anymore. 

A hard habit to break

Thinking about him is second nature to me. I wake up in the morning with thoughts of him and I fall asleep talking and sharing stuff with him.

Hugging him, kissing him, holding his hand.. I do these things as naturally as breathing. It's automatic. I don't even have to think about it.

Nine years is a long time. The things I did with him, the things I do for him are embedded deep within my subconscious. It's a habit formed and strengthened through the years. I don't even have to think about being with him, it just comes to me. That may be the reason why I still dream about him every night. My self doesn't want to let him go.

It can easily be said that I'm in love with a memory... with a habit... since I haven't seen him in a while. But bullshit. I love that man and everything he does.. even the littlest of things. I even adore the way he puts his chopsticks away. I have never loved an existence like that. And looking around, I don't think I can love another.. but that is easy, I don't think anyone else can love me so there's no pressure. I am unlovable. So unless you are family, who has no choice but to love me, I cannot be loved.

He proved it, right? I do not deserve love. Even he, the man I trusted with my heart and soul, thinks that I shouldn't be loved and cared for. He showed me that I am not the kind of person someone can share their life with. I am not the kind of person that can be a reason to live for. I have no significance, I have no impact on his life, and I am not worth anything. I am nothing.

There is solace in knowing that he easily discarded me in his life. Threw me away like some garbage. He was so fine with it that it is foolish of me to even cry about this now. He doesn't even think of me anymore. I even doubt that a part of me stayed in his life. I am so forgettable that all those years can easily be shrugged off. I cry thinking about this but I know that's the truth, else why would he let go of me so easily?

So even if all these things come back to me there is no way that it could happen again. Not with him like that.

I still love him. But just because you love someone doesn't mean it can go back to what it was before. Of course it's harder when you are the only one between the two of you that cares for the other deeply. He realized that this is not going to work. I made a decision. But I miss him terribly so, and I want to express and throw at him all the love in my heart. But he doesn't want that so I should respect it. I should stay away and not try to run his life... give him space to do what he wants. Let him be happy even if I'm not part of that happiness.  

Though it destroys me I have to stand by my decision and break this habit. Life will go on for me and I have to endure and fight these feelings. My goal now in life is to not feel anything at all; to discard feelings as easily as he removed me from his side. I am a ball of emotions but I will try my very best to be nothing. Step by step, one day at a time... I'll do this until I finally kill myself.

Because living is a hard habit to break.

Dear past me

Dear past me...

Who are you?
How does it feel to be that happy?
Who are you?


I feel that I don't know you anymore.

Your smile doesn't look familiar. The thoughts you had don't ring a bell. Your actions feel so awkward.

You are me yet I am not you.

As the days pass, you are becoming more and more of a stranger to me.

I envy you. I hate you. I want to be you. 

Who are you?

I don't know who this happy me anymore. I don't know how to be that happy anymore.

ANIMAX CARNIVAL PH 2015

I went with my sister to Animax Carnival PH day 1. I didn't really bought much since there were only a few booths but the essentials were there: wigs, lenses, jackets and shirts, cute stuff. I guess those are the only merch you will need for a basic con.

But what I really liked was the displays especially the cherry blossom

If I say I didn't find this beautiful... that would be a big lie. #acph

A photo posted by Edz (@erysd) on May 30, 2015 at 7:43am PDT

But the beautiful displays still cannot deny the fact that I got bored. I was expecting "something" from this con and it didn't meet it. I like Fairy tail but I won't go to a con to watch a movie. I also didn't know Gonzo but I must say, he is very entertaining.

Personally though, I was happy to test out my camera. It has been a long time since I got excited taking pictures of cosplayers. \^o^/ So yay for Sammy's (camera's name) first event!

Overall, they could have done more for this event. I guess you wouldn't miss anything if you did not go to ACPH 2015. So, I honestly hope that they do this again next year and bring some guests that I could reaaaally get excited about.

You are a dark-skinned fat ugly bitch and no one will ever love you

Have you ever experienced seeing everything you ever dream of crumble in front of you? All your plans, hopes and wishes that you were ever so careful to build suddenly go down and become rubble at your feet.

Have you ever felt how it is to let go and lose the single thing that can make you happy? That single person that could make you really happy… like happy from the very bottom of your soul… just gone.  And how ever you try to look for something that can make you smile the effects are not the same and just don’t stick.

Have you ever hurt so much that the only way to stop the pain is to not feel? When the pain drowns you, you have no choice but to seal it all away. Since you are human sometimes you feel something: happiness, sadness, anger, fear… whatever, but because you open the seal…even for a tiny bit… the pain will leak out and take over. Back to crying again. 

Have you ever looked down at yourself so much that you can’t even let yourself die? Waking up you say to yourself, “You are a dark-skinned fat ugly bitch and no one will ever love you” and this becomes your daily mantra… the reality slap that will keep you going. You think of improving yourself but you know it is futile and yet you try just to rub salt to the wound. You used to have low self-esteem but now you are nothing. Not even someone worth to kill. Living will be your hell and you shall suffer until you rot inside the darkness of your thoughts.

 I have ...

...and I sincerely hope no one else would ever feel the same way… because it sucks so bad.

When someone else's hero dies

Today the RWBY, Roosterteeth and Monty Oum fandom grieves. It was a very sad news indeed. Monty Oum died at 33, that was the first news I read yesterday morning.
Now, I can't say that I'm part of the fandom but I enjoyed Dead Fantasy once upon a time and I'm very amazed by how much of a workaholic he is. I seem to easily look up to workaholic people (Oda ehem). True, I may have seen only one video clip of RWBY ... and I think that was only a teaser video ... but that scene made such a big impact to me. Even to this day there are scenarios in my head that was like that scene. No one said that you can't be inspired by the art just because you are not part of that fandom.

I have no right to cry but I'm crying. I feel that the community lost an amazing man, someone who can do more if only given more time. Sayang. That is what I feel most of all. Sayang talaga, bakit ganun.

My heart goes to all the fans. I've seen a lot of fanarts, animations, and cosplays inspired by him. He had touched so many hearts and I just can't even begin to imagine how they are feeling. I have heroes too and I don't know what I'd do if they are taken like this from me.

He will be missed. I know he will. The inspiration hehad given to his fans will bear fruit someday. I hope to see those someday. Maybe heaven will be a more efficient place now that he is there.


PS
so many tears because of deaths this year.. I hope we could all survive this year.