Friday, June 5, 2009

Point of no return

I really don't know why I only find out my mistakes only during the point of no return. I really hate it. I really want to be careful all the time and try to think before doing anything but in the end I end up regretting what I'd done. 

I really hate it. I hate myself everytime I do stupid things like that. 

But hating myself, regretting what I've done etc... really can't help me. 

So that's the cue for me to stop wallowing in self pity and start doing something to solve my problem. The problem is clear... I know the solution... now the part I hate the most -waiting time. 


I'm going back to LB... although it's not until Sunday but I'm starting to get excited. I want to sleep in my new room and start a new semester. I also have to fix my schedule and make sure to get 10 units, fix my INC status in 2 of my majors and of course fix my life before actually starting a new chapter in my life.

I just hope that I won't screw up. The thing I hate the mst about myself is that the simplest problems are only in front of my face waiting to bite me but I just don't see it...

so I screw up... and the problem became bigger because I'm in the point of no return.

Monday, June 1, 2009

For him... and only him...

I wanted to hate him. They say that I don't need a friend like that. He doesn't know me anymore and I don't know him. I now it was just a poor choice of words and he just overestimated me. I know he was just joking but I can't stop myself from hurting. Harsh words are still harsh and it could mean differently from one person to another.

Seriously I've already forgiven him from all the things he'd done to me... maybe because his little acts of kindness towards me are those acts of kindness that I truly missed. I could never forget everything he'd done to me up until now. If you could be less perverted then I could have already fallen in love with him... again. But I know him too well to even think about having those feelings for him. 7 years.

We drifted too far away from each other that when we met once more it was different. I was too selfish to even think that he would not change. Now I know him better and even though I had a hard time... I was happy.

He overestimated me because he doesn't know the person I am now. He overestimated me. Because I changed a lot from the way I was before... I was a big disappointment. I changed and I disappointed him because of it.

And yet even though he hated me that day... he still never left me. Right then and there I wanted to go back to the person I was four years ago to the person he almost loved. But I guess once you move forward there is no turning back.

I'm really really grateful for everything. I was selfish, irrational, stupid and childish ... and yet he never left me. I am really grateful and yet I still can't say "thank you". I wanted to thank him and yet I can't say it.

I'm totally inefficient... useless...

so don't you ever look at me like that again. Demmet! I'm worthless!